i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
