I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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