wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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