Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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