And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
