Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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