What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
