drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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