You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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