and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
