so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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