My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
