he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
pray to the hookup gods
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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