So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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