You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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