I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
