between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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