you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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