I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
id be glad to
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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