I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
