So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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