I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
