The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
