you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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