Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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