I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
