Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
