sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
