She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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