he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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