Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
