hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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