Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
