tell your sister to shave her snatch
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
