So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
