Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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