Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
