is your mom at the bar?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
