im drinking this country out of the recession.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I deserve this hangover.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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