my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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