Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
