Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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