I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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