mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
