My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
