true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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