this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
