I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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