You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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