I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
